The Air I Breathe

I was driving home tonight when the worship song "This is the Air I Breathe" came on the radio. It resonated with something that's been slowly surfacing inside of me -- this, combined with the beautiful evening temperature, lured me to the train bridge to get a few moments of retreat and reflection. I parked there and went up the stairs and started across the bridge. I love how the wooden planks sound under my feet. It's such a familiar sense, but it's been awhile since I've come here alone for the sole purpose of hearing from God.

Tonight as I was leaning on the banister, listening to the rushing water and watching the city lights glimmer on the darkness below, I put into words the issue I've been wrestling with for awhile now: I don't feel my need for God. I know that's normal, and it's not freaking me out or anything, but for a lot of my relationship with Him I relied on Him for all my fulfilment. In hindsight it's mainly because I was discontent with some major life circumstances and I found myself crying out to Him almost every day just to show me hope that He was leading me somewhere good. I was less happy back then, but I felt extremely close to God and knew that my relationship with Him was genuine and growing. I heard from Him a lot in those days too, felt His presence in very real and strong ways.

Now I'm busier than I used to be (a common side effect of advancing in years), so it's harder to find time to spend in undistracted solitude. I'm much happier as well, which I am incredibly thankful for. I know the circumstances behind this growing happiness are gifts from God and not merely distractions from Him. However, I've been less desperate to lean on Him because of this. And tonight I told God that I may have lost my sense of need for Him, but I know it's still there and that nothing else can take His place. I also asked that He'd help me stay mindful of our relationship so that I won't let it get shoved onto the back burner all the time...especially as I get older, since I know I'll only get busier.

Anyway, it was cool. I turned around to see the other view, and it struck me how incredibly huge the sky is. That's one of the advantages of the train bridge, or any other high place...it's like taking a deep breath after hours of taking shallow ones. The sky was all around me, on every side, overhead, from the farthest points of my peripheral vision and infinitely beyond that. No matter where I look, no matter what angle my head is at, I'll never be able to see the whole sky.
Likewise, no matter where I find myself in life, however I see God in each of those times, I will never see all of Who He is. He can't be boxed by my expectations or by my limited perception. He's bigger than my needs, bigger than I could ever imagine. He's all around me, on every side, overhead, underneath, and infinitely beyond even my biggest viewpoint. And all of that unfathomable existence, He said to me tonight, is full of love for me. He can never run out of love for me, even when I question my love for Him. His presence is always there, even when I can't feel it. His providence is there, even when I forget how much I need Him. His faithfulness is there in perfect dependability.

I left the train bridge feeling like I'd just been scooped up and wrapped in a soft, warm blanket by the God of the universe.