Life Right Now

I don't really know how to make a grand entrance into the theme of this blog, so I'll just start it off the way I sometimes start my emails or conversations with Bryan: Warning-- emotions ahead! I don't freak out on him, but if I ever need to vent or explain how a really bad day affected me, I let him know I'm about to open up a can of mystery and chaos. And it's not even that I need help figuring myself out, I just need someone to listen. We all understand what it's like to vent; through listening to ourselves speak we can come up with our own ways to cope. Somehow we get strength from the listening ear that doesn't judge or try to bandage the chaos. That's why I need to write today. Writing is a huge release for me, and I don't want this to go into my diary where no one will ever read it. I want to share it with the friends and family who read this, because just knowing my words will be seen is already helping me feel better about things.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to describe this year. Every year of my life since high school seems to have a theme: there was CLBI (getting real and staying raw to let God work through the ugliest, deepest parts of my heart), Medicine Hat (depressed and lonely), and Saskatoon '04 - '06 (building up, tons of fun, most friends I've ever made, landing my dream job, first relationship- short and sweet). October '06 is when I started dating Bryan, and that led into what I can confidently call the best year of my life. I had never been happier, and that happiness kept growing and growing despite my doubts that anyone could ever make me feel that way. There were some challenging times too of course, but they all turned into positive things. I was, and still am, amazed that I should be blessed enough to date someone as incredible as Bryan.
The day he left for treeplanting, which was also the first day of a 15-month-long separation, I cried so hard. The reality that he had to leave took a long time to fully sink in, and it almost hurt worse to think about him than to try and keep him off my mind. In the time leading up to phone calls and emails I'd feel more and more lost until we finally connected again, which always gave me renewed hope and energy for the following days.
Now, long distance is slowly drawing to a close...only five months left! We've been very blessed to be able to see each other once, even twice a month since it started. But the reality is, everyday life is lived with the paradox that I'm so happy to have him, yet so sad he's not here. I'm happy to be in a relationship that's so good it makes me ache to be apart from him. In short, I'm happy to be discontent -- cause that means I have something better than I ever expected, and I'm just waiting for the gap to close so things can be complete again. (And by "things" I mean my heart, but I thought you'd all be cheesed out, even though I mean it. Yes, I'm a cheesy person. Deal with it.)
If I'm happy to be discontent now, I can't wait to be happy and content again!

(Ha ha Bryan, this is what you get for dating a girl who likes to write!)